It started out as a disguise.
I wasn’t trying to be a super hero, vigilante, masked avenger, etc. (though I admit, deep down, I think that would be just about one of the coolest things ever!). It wasn’t even really about keeping a secret. I really just wanted a way to experiment with the words I write, put ’em online, and receive feedback without anyone being able to connect the work back to my actual self. I knew I’d be writing about personal matters sometimes, and hoped that by striking a tangible name away from the work maybe I could make my message more relatable. On top of that, I wasn’t sure how all of this could eventually affect my family if my work ever really got noticed on a grander scale than a tiny self-produced blog; as I write this, I have one subscriber and a little over 100 views total for the whole site, so maybe I’m dreaming big by even considering that previous concern, but I still felt it was a concern worth having. So I created an alter-ego, Mr. Brewding, and donned a mask.
Being Mr. Brewding isn’t about being someone else. It isn’t about being someone or something I couldn’t be if I weren’t wearing the mask. I admit there is some form of comfort in writing and publishing online without many people knowing who I am, but that’s not what this is about. Mr. Brewding is a part of me. Not someone else, but a caricature of myself I’m choosing to introduce to the net at the moment, in the moment. At least that’s how I thought it would be.
Without the melodrama, in some form or another Mr. Brewding did become something else I never thought it could be. A separate character. Mr. Brewding no longer was just how I chose to represent myself in the media. He became subject matter in my writings. I began doodling him in my tedious classes when I didn’t want to focus on the professor anymore–I even started thinking of a story centered around him, where he was a vigilante of sorts. This identity has opened up other avenues I now want to explore. Simply put, it has all become so much more! Ha! I rhymed! That’s what you get when a self-proclaimed poet writes something other than poetry on a blog.
So what started out as just a disguise, became an adventure. An exploration of myself, as well as an experiment, pushing the boundaries of just what exactly I can do on the net with Mr. Brewding. Admittedly, there hasn’t been much yet. I’ve only been working on the concept of Mr. Brewding for a few months and I’ve only started this blog about a week ago (I think). However, now I can see the room for growth, the possibilities, and I’m excited about that.
All that being said, I still don’t know exactly where I’m going from here, but I have a summer to figure it out, and I promise y’all will be seeing more poetry from me and possibly other media. The other night, I stayed up all night researching literary journals in a database one of my professors recommended, trying to find the right journal to submit my poems to so I could fulfill a life long dream of becoming published. But, the more I looked, the more I started to see that publishing, at least in that way, may not be what I want right now. To publish in a lit magazine would mean removing poems from here I just put up. Of course I’d want to publish under my real name, so that would also mean abandoning Mr. Brewding a little bit. Publishing also means every poet’s biggest nightmare, rejection. I’m not ready to turn away from something I just got started, and place something so new in the spotlight to be judged this yet. There’s plenty of time for publishing (again, I think), right now, I’m just going to focus on this. It would be at this point that I would say “I’m doing this for all the fans out there” but I don’t really have any yet so I’ll say, “I’m doing this for my one sub-er, who has given me great feedback, and more importantly, I’m doing this for myself, and for Mr. Brewding.” I’m not ready to kill him.
I have, however, also considered self-publishing through either lulu.com or amazon.com thinking that may be a better fit for me right now. Right now, I just want to see the other feedback I receive on the poems up currently and the others that’ll come later, but I do like the idea of self-publishing small booklets to archive the poems I’ve been posting up on the blog. I think any real avid reader likes to have something tangible to hold and read at some time or another, and if I ever my fan club, making a book may be a fun thing to do.
I realize that because I’m doing this without disclosure of my name, without telling family, and without telling most of my friends (yes, a small few know–I needed to get feedback from someone) it’s difficult to get a lot of fans, followers, or sub-ers at the moment. The only people I can count on to read my poems right now are those I don’t know. So what I’m trying to say is, I could really use the help. After reading this long-winded page, go back to my poems and please, please, please provide some feedback.
With all of this being said, I don’t plan on keeping my true “identity” a secret forever. I’m not shy of placing my real name on my work, and I really truly want my family and friends to one day check out this site, but to say who I am now, would be to, again, kill Mr. Brewding off before he ever really got started. And I promise, when I do finally release my identity, Mr. Brewding will stick around. He won’t be going anywhere. I’ll find a new interesting way to deal with him, and I hope all of you will love it.
That’s it for now. I think I covered all the bases. Hopefully people will read this. At least for right now, all of this will hopefully organize my own thoughts. I’m depriving myself of sleep again to write this so I apologize for any mistakes or errors in this–may they not deter you from reading this post in its entirety.
Here’s to exploration, adventure, and excitement in the world of my own imagination!